Trying to find myself again.

Menuju end-of-May.

Hopefully, I’ll get the job offer that I’ve been waiting for in the nearest time possible.

That’s my biggest wish right now.
Doa yang aku selalu titipkan sejak akhir-akhir ini usai tiap solat aku.

To escape from the banking industry.

Looking at it now, I wonder why most people say working in a bank is their dream job. Mungkin sebab bonus ?  Dulu mungkin aku salah seorang daripada mereka. Tapi selepas 3 tahun++, apa yang aku boleh conclude is… this kind of job doesn’t suit me for the long run anymore. It’s no longer worth sacrificing my mental health for it.

I don’t know what other job roles are like. But for me, from an IT Application Backend Support point of view  the role itself is actually okay. But you really have to be mentally strong, especially when you’re supporting the critical system.

I would not say it’s a nightmare.
Because how could I survive for 3 years++ if it was one?This experience is still a lesson learned. Banyak mengajar aku benda baru.

Orang mungkin nampak macam “wow, kerja bank.” But they never really know what you have to deal with every single day.

This is still a journey that I’ll always appreciate, walaupun tak semuanya indah.

Once a dream

Antara doa yang dalam diam Allah kabulkan.

Pernah terdetik nak kerja at this bank just because i think it is a big bank , kalau pergi mana2 kedai mostly guna this bank terminal. Somehow, it is just a dream.

But the way Allah kabulkan apa yang terlintas yg dulu aku impikan , it amaze me.

Jalan nya tak smooth but it still get me to the job yg aku pernah dream of.

Took a career break , jobless for a few months until im ready to ge back to work baru start apply. Failed interview with Aeon, then saw this job ad which suit me perfectly. Applied and get an interview and accepted. The onboard journey is smooth like Allah clearly planned it out for me .Someone resigned and I took over his job. The timing is amazing.

3 years ++ passed and i learn a lot. I'm doing good , never once failed to get bonus and increment. Get promoted. Thankful enough.

Along the way, the environment becomes more toxic. It's not the team but the bosses. Even my team lead . And i totally hate it when i have to work with this kind of environment. It doesn't excites me anymore. Somehow rasa macam kena treat like a robot. He want now, you must deliver now, lantak kau busy dengan benda lain ke apa .

But looking at it, I don't think I want to spend my entire life doing this job. Or perhaps working at banks doesn't suit me.It keeps me under pressure most of the time. And I hate it, because I fail to focus when there's so many things come at me and it broke me. To be on standby on some weekends/ public holidays is annoying. I was supposed to rest but who would know there will be some issues coming up. Plus it's critical system. You can't afford any downtime. And I hate surprise. Even I can still ask for my teammate's help but still i hate this kind of work. Able to stay here for 3 years plus is a blessing.

Now I think I've had enough. I need to plan for a better future. Less hectic job demi mental health. Mungkin patut cuba another industry , because all this while masih stuck with bank . Maybe it's not the job role that traumatised me, its the industry and the system. Our team is taking care of card system , imagine if there's issue with the system ? It directs impact to customer. Terminal cannot accept payment, cardholder unable to perform txn etc. That's why we cannot afford any mistakes , since the consequences would be huge. Even the bank apps itself , example you want to check your recent txn . The other system will come to our system to get the info and any slow response even its 2 seconds will be flag out. Imagine that .

To another role - another bank OR To another industry - same role (at least tak chaotic macam bank )

Moga Allah mudahkan transisi yang ini.

Ramadhan.

First Ramadhan tahun lepas , sibuk dengan kerja hal duniawi. When everyone is getting ready for Tarawikh, i was doing my work , sitting in front of the notebook. Haih.

2025.

I am thankful enough for Ramadhan this year.

First Ramadhan yang sekurang² nya tenang tanpa gangguan kerja.

Moga kekal tenang sampai penghujung Ramadhan without being distracted dengan hal² kerja di luar waktu kerja ❤️

Happy Birthday Dear Self.

Dear Shaz.

Things might not be the way you want it to be this year, but just so you know Allah has way better plan for you.

Looking back at years that has passed, you've always wish for a job where you can feel belong. Now, you got what you wish for. You totally deserve it.

People around you keep asking about your jodoh. But you got no answer for that. Just be patient, Allah knows when is the right timing and who's the best for you.

There might be times that dealing with people is too much for you. It's ok to let it out..it's ok to cry.. crying doesn't mean you're weak.

Sometimes you're so hard on yourself, please don't.. everything takes time, so please be gentle with yourself.

I wish you nothing but the all the best things that life has to offer.

Moga hari² mendatang akan baik² saja.

Moga bonus nanti dapat 3 bulan gaji 😂

Moga gaji naik banyak sikit next year.

Moga juga dipertemukan dengan jodoh yang terbaik.

Happy Birthday dear self ❤️ 

...

If people around me wondering about my jodoh.

Well, just so you know it's not only you

Because me myself curious too 😂

And yet it's never in my priority list. 

Random #1

Everyone move on with life. 

And I truly understand that.

POV : Ego

Kata mereka

Jadilah yang pertama menutur kata maaf 

Langsung dari itu dapat mencantum kembali dua hati yang terlalu lama menjauh

Andai saja semudah itu.

Biarlah dulu ..

Kata orang masa itu merawat luka

Mana tahu suatu waktu nanti aku yang menyerah.

Atau tak mustahil kau yang lebih dulu mengalah.

Buku.

I used to love reading..but somehow as time goes by, I lost the interest to read. 

Tak kira lagi berapa banyak buku yang aku beli di tahun² yang lalu, tapi terbiar tak dibaca. Yang pasti lebih daripada 10. Dan itu pun semua english novel genre thriller.

Novel melayu ? Lagi lah lama tak beli, sebab being me aku tersangat lah picky bab memilih novel melayu.

Me, when it comes to novel bahasa melayu :

1. Nama watak utama have to be a modern name. If not, then I will drop. Contohnya, kalau watak utama dalam novel tu diberi nama yang biasa or should I say common ? Ok contoh nama watak Azizah & Atan , tak kisah if novel tu hype ke bestseller ke I will not buy it. I don't know, it just a  turn off for me .

2. Gaya penulisan yang santai sebab aku benci novel yang gaya penulisan nya terlalu skema . Aku bukan nak baca literature.

3. Jalan cerita yang tak terlalu cliche. Kalau sikit² kahwin kontrak eh tak payah la. 

4. Font yang tak menyakitkan mata.

After all, no one can beat novel from Jemari Seni lagi² Hlovate. And also Syud.

I just miss reading the karya from these 2 actually. Tapi itulah tu, no news .

So bila² rasa nak membaca aku ulang je lah novel Hlovate / Syud ni je. Sebab itu je comfort reading aku.

Lagi satu benda yang paling aku benci adalah bila mana drg adaptasi novel yang aku baca into a drama / filem . Hancur langsung imaginasi aku ..memang lepas tu aku tak teringin nak baca novel tu balik 😒 sebab hello no actor kat Malaysia ni yang boleh represent watak² dalam novel yang aku baca. Tak kena langsung.

Contohnya novel I love you Stupid. Celah mana si MK tu boleh potray watak Firman ? Disgusting la..tapi itu la tu novel tu pun dah ada dalam collection orang lain yang tau meminjam tapi tak tau nak pulang 🙄 

It takes two to tango .

At the end of the day, perempuan yang akan tersakiti.  Dan pada akhirnya juga,  strong is the only option they have.

Betapa mudahnya menjadi lelaki, katanya cinta tapi masih ada yang lain. Haih,  murahnya cinta seorang lelaki dayus .

It's beyond logic. Sebab akal yang waras tak akan sanggup melakukan hal sebegitu.

I just couldn't understand bagaimana wujudnya perempuan yang sanggup menyakiti perempuan lain. ? Put yourself in her shoes , then fikir .. if someone did the same thing to you , kau mampu ke untuk hadap ? Tapi itulah, aku assume perempuan² spesis ini tak punya akal yang waras. Bodoh. 

I just couldn't understand bagaimana tega nya seorang perempuan sanggup menghancurkan sebuah keluarga yang bahagia demi kebahagiannya sendiri ? The audacity ? Again , mungkin perempuan² spesis ini hidup nya tak pernah bahagia hinggakan sanggup merampas kebahagiaan orang lain. Kejam. Psycho.

I just couldn't understand why a married man can just simply love another woman when at the same time he keep saying he loves his wife ? Can someone just give me a simple excuse untuk justify that action, bcs I find NONE. 

Apakah semudah itu agaknya cinta boleh beralih arah ?

Terus lupa baik nya dia, hingga sanggup memilih yang lain, melukakan wanita yang sama² ada dalam jatuh bangun . 

Bukan kah itu namanya betrayal in marriage ?  I can never tolerate that.

Bergelar seorang perempuan, jagalah harga diri. If the man that you've  to deal with is a married man, just take a step back. Draw a line, put a gap. Same goes to men. 

It takes two to tango. Apa yang susah sangat .

Entahlah , membaca sahaja dah terasa sakitnya..apatah lagi wanita² yang dikhianati sang suami.

Simpati, walau yang melaluinya hanya lah orang asing yang tiada hubung kaitnya dengan aku.

But there are few things I learn from this issue 

1. Setia itu terlalu mahal. At one point, you will never know he/she will betray you. 

2. Manusia diuji for each words that they preach. Somehow they just know how to talk. They do not practice it in life.

3. Don't love someone too much because somehow it will hurt you.

4. Lelaki itu diuji saat dia punya segalanya.

5. Jangan terlalu berkongsi kebahagiaan di media sosial. Keep it some to yourself ❤️. Tak semua yang melihat akan tumpang bahagia dengan kebahagiaan kau. Akan ada yang iri contohnya itu la, perempuan² psycho 😂

Semoga kita tidak tegolong dalam kalangan manusia yang membina bahagia atas penderitaan manusia lain.

2023 Life update I guess ?

I almost forgot the existence of this blog.

Dah lama tak menulis terasa kekok. 

Reading back what I've wrote years back is just like bringing me back to those memories. Living at that moment. Terasa cepat betul masa berlalu.

Dari zaman belajar di Kubang Pasu till now 2023 , whoa what a journey. 

Those excited moment nak ambil result SPM.

The frustration I had nak kena belajar segala subject di PASUM.

Fasa2 yang membentuk seorang Shaz yang sekarang.

I notice there was one post that I wrote mentioned that I don't have the courage to drive even I've already own a car. Well, current Shaz is already a pro driver 😂 I can be a jerk on the road at times, I can even drive for a long journey. So the younger-Shaz should have no worries on her driving skill. *Pat-myself-on-the-back.

Career ? I would say stable. Masih dalam banking industry even selalu kata nak berambus ke Industry lain 🥲 I guess I got no choice , sampai pencen la aku rasa aku kena kerja kat bank nampak gayanya. Dan ya, masih stick dengan IT punya lane align with my degree. 

Relationship ? Haha reaching 30 dan yes masih berkepit bawah ketiak ibu 😂 Member majority dah kahwin, dah ada anak . Kita tumpang happy aje la. Besides, aku ada 2 anak saudara yang comel + handsome so as of now, I'll just pampered my 2 babies so I can be their favorite aunty 😉

Friends ? I guess I lost friends along the way and I have no hard feeling about it. I can even count with my own fingers how many friend that I still keep in touch 😂  what a life la Shaz. Tapi entahla, vibe dia dah lain. Tak sama. Tapi aku ingat je each people yang pernah wujud dalam hidup. Sebab aku jarang lupa manusia² yang pernah ada dalam setiap moment hidup aku even from school years till now walaupun kita mungkin hanya classmates yang jarang bertegur sapa 😂 tapi kalau tadika tu memang takde dah la dalam memori.

Lagi apa ? Itu je la kot ye tak. Life update yang tak berapa nak update sangat. Dulu berangan dah start kerja nak cepat kaya, eh laaa kerja since 2017 sampai sekarang tak kaya² hahahaha tapi tetap lah bersyukur for having a stable career yang tak affected by COVID-19 .

So yeah, moga semua nya yang baik² sahaja untuk aku untuk hari dan tahun² mendatang . 

#One - To share.

" Dalam setiap rezeki buat kita, terselit rezeki untuk yang lain"

I love this words. I think its a beauty reminder ❤. Dont you think so ?

Share what you got, you can always get more.

You can always share your rezeki with someone..family or even strangers. Be it in any kind of form,.money? Food? Or anything..as long as it can ease someone's life. It doesnt make your money any lesser.

Lets make this one as a habit.

Be kind to stranger. Be grateful for whatever you have now.

InsyaAllah. To a better life.

Flashbask of 2018

' So how 2018 treat you ? '

2018 give me one big shock news that till now it hit me real hard.

Perginya Mak Uda kembali kpd Pencipta. Unexpected. It has been months since she passed away. But i still miss her. I miss her jokes. I miss her cooking. I miss everything about her. But I know Allah loves her more.

AlFatihah. Moga arwah mak uda tenang di sana.

2018 also cross one of my wishlist.

To own a car. But too bad, i still have no courage to drive it on my own. Lets hope that 2019 be the year of the independent me.

That two is my biggest highlight in 2018. One that give a real big impact in my life which i lost someone that i love too much. And another one, a progress to the independent me with a new big commitment + liability.

Lets make 2019, a colourful year. To a better me. To more wishlist to be crossed. To a richer me. Hahahaha. To a new job with a higher salary. Hahahaha. And to every dream to come true. Lastly, to love my work at uob as much as i love myself 😂

" Grow through what you go through "

Having failed about two or three interview for my scholarship years ago make me hate going for any interview.

But you can't really run away from it as it is a must-thing you have to do if you don't wanna hold that jobless title anymore.

" Grow through what you go through "

As much as I learned how interview has disappoint me with the result. I also learn there is always a room for improvement.I rather think that I should blame myself for all the disappointment I have go through.

For not giving much efforf.

For not being a confident-shaz.

For that take-thing-easy characteristic in mine.

From all the failure you have gone through

You always have something to learn.

Just don't give up.

Make up for it.

And be a better version of you.

And from that

I learn to not giving too much hope to myself.
So that I will not be so upset knowing that I fail.

If it was written for you, then it will be yours.

In life you have to know how the disappointment taste
so that you will work harder than before

is it ?

is it weird?

when you have grown up

you tend to keep everything in a privacy mode

is it right?

when you have grown up

you still prefer to be the same old you

while everyone is actually changing

is it normal?

when you've reached 20+ year

while people is worry about their 'jodoh'

You are still taking it easy

because you don't really think about it

is it true?

that people who look heartless

is actually a person who care the most about others

friend that turn to strangers

who is the one that should be blame for not making an effort 

to keep in touch?

is it wrong?

for having some ego inside you 

;

'The moment you're ready to give up is usually the moment right before the miracle happens'

hidup deal dengan codes nie kalau run2 jumpa error nie, memang boleh buat murung.

satisfaction tue takde.

cuba bila codes kau mampu run helok

tak ke rasa puas je balik tak payah fikir apa dalam kepala.

tapi ada masa, semalam kau run dia error

esoknya kau buat balik run benda sama eh2 smooth pulak jalan dia.

bijak pulak program nie fix error sendiri.

dah kenapa?

time tue mungkinlah kau bertuah.

kalau nak harap setiap kali error kau bertuah, harapanlah.

kau lupa satu.

ada suatu tika kau mahu sesuatu.

kau adukan pada  Dia

kau luahkan semua

sebab kau tahu..

kau tahu Dia tahu.

Dia rindu.

rindu rintihan kau sebagai hamba.

maka dihadirkan sesuatu agar kau ingat pada Dia.

agar kau tahu, kau masih ada tempat untuk kau luah semua yang terbuku.

Dia rindu,

kau doa.
kau mengadu pada Dia.
kau kata kau dah puas mencuba.
kau kata kau dah penat.
kau kata kau dah tak larat.
kau kata kau tak kuat.

tapi sayang, kau lupa satu.

Dia lebih tahu.

Dia tahu kau mampu.

Dia sayangkan kau. 

mana mungkin Dia hadirkan ujian yang tak mampu kau hadap.

kau terus berdoa.

 kau harap moga2 esok lusa kau dapat apa yang kau hajat

dan kau terus menanti.

tapi masih tak dapat apa yang diharap.

kau pendam rasa kecewa.

kau menangis luka.

kau lupa satu.
ya, kau terlalu kecew sebab kau lupa satu.
kau lupa.

Dia adalah sebaik2 perancang

Dia tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kau.

Dia tak berikan apa yang kau mahu.

sebab Dia tahu.
itu bukan yang terbaik buatmu

Allah sayang kau.
itu kau perlu tahu.

apa yang kau mahu itu belum tentu yang terbaik kau.

kau perlu ingat itu.

at this age, I reach to the point which I keep asking to myself.

" Your parents have raise you for years, but what did you give them as something in return? "

rapuh.

ada masanya kau cuba untuk kuat.

tapi kadang kau gagal.

kau cuba untuk telan segala rasa.

kau pamerkan riak muka biasa.

tapi sayang kau rapuh juga ada tikanya.

kau cuba untuk pujuk hati sendiri.

tapi sayangnya kau tak kuat.

jatuh jua air mata.

kala itu kau tahu.

ujian itu mungkin terlalu berat buatmu.

sebab kau lebih tahu.

watakmu watak kental.

mudah menangis itu bukan sifatmu.

tapi ada tikanya kau kalah.

biasalah kau jua manusia.

tak lari dripada segala rasa.

tak salah.

mengalah pada perasaan itu tak salah.

menangis itu tak bermakna kau mengalah

kau bisikkan pada diri.

kau cuba untuk tenangkan hati.

kau tahu ada hikmahnya di sebalik tiap yang berlaku.

kau tahu kau masih ada Dia untuk kau luah segala rasa yang terbuku

kau tahu rencana Allah itu adaah sentiasa yang terbaik buatmu.

kau tahu yang Allah itu lebih tahu.

menangislah.

tak salah.

It Ain’t About How Hard You Hit.

Rocky Balboa: Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!

I find it inspiring =)

cuba.

cuba

walau susah mana pun sesuatu perkara

ajarkan pada diri untuk terus mencuba

sampai satu tahap pabila kau rasa kau tak mampu untuk cuba

saat itu baru kau bertanya

dalam hidup, kau perlu tahu untuk usaha

jangan hanya tahu bertanya

apa kau fikir mereka di keliling tak mencuba sebelum jumpa?

apa kau fikir mereka di keliling tak penat mencari sebelum jumpa?

ahh kau tahu apa

susahnya mencari sebelum jumpa sedang kau hanya tahu bertanya.

orang tak selalu ada untuk suapkan apa yang kau mahu

sebelum betanya cubalah dulu.