Thursday, December 14, 2017


Things were so much different now compared to my studies year.
People change by time I guess.

You didn't manage to get straight A's in any one of your exam besar?
You will get lectures the whole day.
You will be compared to the other children which have the same age as you.
You didn't get to hear your parents say 'it's ok you did try your best'.
They will questioning you like 'they can do it why don't you?'
They will keep blaming you.' Why don't you  study hard before'

And the list goes on.

But in today world, things are changing.
They react oppositely.

You get bad result?
No, you don't have any right to blame her.
They will say ' don't say harsh things. it will keep demotivating her'

How funny is that huh?

I'm living in that 'put all the blame on me' year. And today,when I just try to ask about the result,..they put the blame on me even for asking?. How pathetic.

How bias is that?

Its ok if you want to do it that way.
Lets do it that way and see what she will be growing up.

I will sit here doing nothing and just keep watching­čĺü

Sunday, August 13, 2017

done with degree life
waiting for a job

and not that i'm aware of it have been about one month i'm holding the 'jobless' title

being at home
helping with the house chores
scrolling jobstreet for any job which suits my course
attending a job interview

repeat all the same things all over again.
it doesn't give much fun.

somehow it makes me reminisce my struggling year in university life


there is countless time i had say to myself
'what if I cant graduate on time'
'what if my project and presentation doesn't impress examiners and my sv and they give me fail'

that what-if games keep replay in my mind throughout my final year

that feeling
when you start not to trust yourself

sampai tahap tak nak apply kerja awal2 sebab takut tak grad
malas nak upload caption last moment dengan geng with that all sweet terharu caption
sebab takut kalau2 the next sidang ade lagi muka aku kena extend

all those thing that I should do earlier
tapi tak buat dek kerana terlalu banyak doubt kat diri sendiri
dan sekarang baru terhegeh2 nak cari kerja
itupun start apply betul2 bile dah dapat result kate grad
dan sampai sekarang stress kat diri sendiri tak dapat2 kerja lagi
nak salahkan siapa?

kalau nak cerita struggle aku ditambah dengan those negative vibes yang dok berlegar dalam kepala nak menyiapkan fyp ni sebenarnya takde la struggle just the way that those negative vibes yang sepatutnya membangunkan aku makin memalaskan aku tu yang buat aku struggle nak lawan malas aku

tahap malas aku berlarutan bile ak keep postpone kerja aku till the very last minute
esoknye nak prototype tapi kau run project still ade error yang salahnya susah nak ditrace
dan kau bagi alasan yang program kau masih under development
and that minor error kau akan cuba fix kan in the final viva

kena present sorang2 depan tiga lecturer
part paling tak suka
even berdebar die rase nak meletup jantung
tapi alhamdulillah manage jugak la speaking merapu entah ape depan lecturer

ditambah lagi dengan supervisor yang prihatin
boleh kira almost every week jugakla nak kene tunjuk/bgtau ape yang dah dibuat dalam tempoh gap tu
dan tiap kali itulah hari sebelum appointment tu
aku baru nak menjenguk code dan buat ape yang patut
dan tiap kali tu la ak keep bebel kat kawan aku
kenapa sv korang tak macam sv aku. hahaha
dan tiap kali tu la ak kadang kalut nak mencari point untuk diupdate
sebab project tak bergerak dalam tempoh gap tu
tapi somehow in that way aku bersyukur jugakla
sebab kalau tak..memang tak bergerak progress project aku
tak tambah lagi report aku hantar tu berapa kali kena reject dek kerana kerja sambil lewa aku mungkin
dan terpaksa jugakla buat balik dan hantar balik even kadang2 hampir give up
sebab i'm not into reports
aku tak suka menulis tak suka mengarang. that explains why report aku keep direject.
writing reports sangatla memerlukan effort bagi aku compare to writing code.

siapa kata senang? it take a lot of effort kot .hahaha

nak tambah lagi cerita struggling aku
bile sv kau biasenye mintak report kau seminggu awal drp tarikh kena submit
sebab die nak check dulu then die boleh reject report ak suruh tambah betulkan mana patut
and it keep repeating sampai Dr ak kate okay just betulkan part nie je. hahaha
bile die dah kate gitu ak betulkan that minor part then tak hantar balik dah kat Dr. kot kena reject lagi mampuih.
itulah saat di mana orang lain still tak start buat report lagi bersuka ria bersenang lenang dan kau dok stress mengarang ayat tengah2 malam mengadap laptop. that is the part yang tak best

part yang best nye bile orang lain baru dok kalut nak siapkan report sampai ke malam before submit tak siap2 lagi.
dan time tula kau dengan selambanya buat muka berlagak sebab kau dah siap berapa hari awal dek kerana keprihatinan sv sendiri.

dulu aku selalu dengar orang lain cerita
dah final year nanti mesti tak tidur malam
struggle hari2 hadap code
takde life
makan pun depan laptop

tapi bagi aku takla. hahaha
kalau orang lain kata drg tak tidur siapkan their fyp
aku alhamdulillah tidur cukup kadang terlebih
makan pun alhamdulillah
aku makan depan laptop pun bile ak tengok variety show korea yang lawak tu je
aku just tak tidur bile esoknye ade nak hantar assignments
or esok ade viva
time tu baru tak tido malam
sebab time tu baru timbul kesedaran

bile cerita pasal fyp project ni.
ini memang kerja individual
dahla aku gatal pilih simulation dah mampuih nak fahamkan project sendiri
even actually sampai sekarang ak still tak faham ape yang aku buat even sv dok puji aku kate aku cepat belajar when it involve coding.
dan ak syak Sv aku je yang faham ape yang aku buat sebab Dr yang propose project tu. hahaha
Java dahla bukan the main language yang belajar throughout three years
tapi tu tak kisah sangatla
you have google
you have Stack Overflow (paling berguna)
you can get it
tapi tak semuanya la kau akan dapat
at least kau boleh dapat macam mane nak start then you the bigger idea la.
dah kalau project kau memang code nye ade sejibik kat google/github ke memang melampau la
tu guna ilmu yang kau kutip selama mane kau belajar
guna otak sikit search google sikit alhamdulillah jalan je program kau

the last thing that I learn throughout my fyp year ni
it teach me how to get your program works alone
die macam satu achievement kot bile kau buat program kau sorang2 without the help of your friend
even at the same time kau ade doubt to yourself.
kau akan rasa puas gila bile actually kau berjaya dengan effort kau sendiri

lagi satu aku belajar gain confidence nak bercakap depan orang
dah berapa kali kena present sorang2
kena bantai kena serang dengan soalan sorang2 takde backup
it teach me something
even kadang tu aku rase tiap kali start nak bercakap tu ak sendiri rase suara aku bergetar dek kerana nervous melampau.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

emotional post I guess

I always have this big dream I wish I can do to my family

to be a daughter who can ease the burden of my parent
to tell my dad 'you don't have to work anymore, just rest and do whatever you enjoy doing..I can take care of them '
to simply make them happy in any ways I could do

it just..I don't hit me sometimes

they are getting older
but still at this age I can't contribute much

that feeling.

thinking about how much that our parents have done for us
how much things they have give up just to give the best to us

mixed feeling.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

is it ?

is it weird?
when you have grown up
you tend to keep everything in a privacy mode

is it right?
when you have grown up
you still prefer to be the same old you
while everyone is actually changing

is it normal?
when you've reached 20+ year
while people is worry about their 'jodoh'
You are still taking it easy
because you don't really think about it

is it true?
that people who look heartless
is actually a person who care the most about others

friend that turn to strangers
who is the one that should be blame for not making an effort 
to keep in touch?

is it wrong?
for having some ego inside you